One Is a Lonely Number

The days are long, but the nights are longer

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Today I am alone.

Tomorrow I will be alone.

And probably for the rest of my life I will be alone.

My husband has passed away. I can’t believe I am writing these words.

I feel like I am living someone else’s life.

He collapsed in front of me as we were walking to the car. He fell onto the path that I must take to get to my car. So, every time I go out I must walk this same path. The mental picture of him lying there will stay with me forever.

This nightmare plays over and over in my mind.

I am torn apart, raw inside. Can’t eat and barely sleep. Consumed by fear of the future. Trying to breathe and put one foot in front of the other.

My best companion and life partner of 43 years is gone forever.

Gone is his smile and laughter. His warmth and love. How do I live without him?

Now there is no one to talk to, no one to have coffee with or cook for.

The house is hauntingly quiet. Only my footsteps can be heard.

So many familiar sounds are gone forever.

We all handle grief in our own special way. There is no timetable to tell you how long you will feel this way.

There are so many memories in the house, in the stores where we used to shop and dine in our favorite restaurants. I don’t think I can stay in this area.

I still expect him to come walking thru the front door and when I finally realize that he’s never coming home, I will probably fall apart.

Now I am a widow . That’s a new term to apply to me. I have been single, married, divorced, married again and now I am a widow. I don’t like saying the word. I don’t like how it sounds and I never used the word before except when I referred to Black Widow Spiders!

We have no children or relatives left. Not any friends to lean on for support.

Suddenly, I am trying to learn about all the things he took care of.

I just learned to pump gas for my car 3 months ago! But anything else pertaining to a car is foreign to me. I just want to turn the key and have it go. I don’t care about the mechanics of it.

I hate being so dependent. I have always believed that men and women played different roles — I did the domestic things and he took care of the mechanics and bookkeeping. We both had jobs for years and that worked out fine at the time.

Since his passing, I have found some monetary issues that I know nothing about. This is not a good thing. It’s bad enough that I have to deal with losing my husband, but now I find I have a mountain of debt.

I hope I don’t lose my house. There are unpaid medical bills which will probably remain unpaid for awhile. There is no way I can pay them. He lost his life insurance when he was let go from his job in November.

He became ill and perhaps he forgot to renew it. Who knows? I’m sure he didn’t think that he was going to pass so quickly!

I know there are many women that are left with no money when they lose their husbands. This should be a lesson to any one reading this article.

The harsh reality is that we all die sooner or later. Sometimes men go before their wives. Are we ever really prepared?

Every woman should know exactly where she stands in case she is suddenly left alone.

I am writing this with the hope that I will feel better, but I think it will take years.

How do you replace your life partner of 43 years?

Once a day, and sometimes more,

You knock upon my daydream door

I say warmly, “Come right in. I’m glad you’re here with me again.”

And we sit down and have a chat,

Recalling this, discussing that,

Until some task that I must do

Forces me away from you.

Reluctantly I say good bye,

Smiling with a little sigh,

For though my daydreams bring you near

I wish that you were really here.

But what reality can’t change

My dreams and wishes can arrange,

And through my wishing you’ll be brought

To me each day, a guest in thought.

I have many interests and I love writing about them. Dogs,food,lifestyle.. I could go on and on, but I won’t. I’ll write articles instead!

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